Minnesota sports fandom is not for the faint of heart. To be a Minnesota fan is a constant wade through the lingering vape-waste left by departed stars who found greater success in another city. Both sides of the Mississippi clutch their heads, reeling from second-hand champ syndrome.
Everyone sees it. In my day job as a wastewater communications specialist, I’ve traveled to many parts of this great, combined-sewer-overflow inundated nation. And what is the first thing people say when they learn I grew up tracing Paul Bunyan’s footsteps? “Did watching Karl-Anthony Towns win an NBA title with the New York Knicks break your heart?” And four months earlier, the question was the same except for an oblong ball: “Did you die inside when Sam Darnold won the Super Bowl with the Seattle Seahawks?”
I assume, dear Canis readers, that you are Minnesota sports fans. Your iron hearts forged by so many Traumatic Sports Losses that a Gary Anderson 32-yard gimmie merely doinks unfulfilled beside your steely resolve.
This means you know my reply. No. My heart is fine thank you. Still left of center, all four ventricles beating as expected.
But that’s not to say I felt nothing … no there was a…a…tingle. The slightest flop of sweat against my brow. I did follow KAT with fervor for seven years and I don’t (exclusively) root for mere laundry. Watching Towns win it all was less a heart attack than a satisfying yet tumultuous bite of a bánh mì sandwich with one too many jalapenos.
So let’s put our tortured sports experiences to good use. I propose applying the scoville spiciness scale to rate the complex mix of joy and suffering that comes from watching a Minnesota legend hang a banner with a new franchise.
Are you ready to feel the burn?!
Bell Pepper – Andrew Wiggins
Wiggins was miscast as a franchise player with the Minnesota Timberwolves. I felt bad for how he was treated by Jimmy Butler, but also had accepted that the former number one pick was never going to be the key ingredient for a Timbo title. When Wiggins miraculously stepped up to play a Pascal Siakam-style role for the 2022 Golden State Warriors, I was flabbergasted. He rebounded with passion and scored just enough second banana bank shots to let Steph Curry carry the day. What a pleasant surprise! But seriously no sweat from this one, this was never gonna happen in Minnesota.
Good for Wiggs.
Banana Pepper – Brad Johnson
Imagine me in 1998: a fresh Robert Smith jersey draping past my seventh grade knees and a middle school mustache wisping across my upper lip. “Brad Johnson is gonna take us to the promised land!” I declared. Brad got hurt early in the season, unleashing an incredible Randy Moss fever dream from fall to winter. I always rooted for Mr. Johnson after he left Mankato and he ably embodied the Trent-Dilfer-Plus game manager role that the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers needed. His title left a mild tang at most. (In a similar vein, Doug Mientkiewicz’s Boston Red Sox title was probably a Friggitello pepper.)
Poblano Pepper – Kevin Love
Now we’re feeling some heat. David Khan did K-Love dirty, low-balling him when who else was going to be the face of the Wolves? Derrick Williams? Darko Miličić ? At the same time, Kevin did me dirty. I bought partial season tickets two days before he performed the most catastrophic knuckle push up in jealous boyfriend history.
Instead of watching a frisky Wolves team led by the best rebounder in the league, I spent a season watching Rick Adleman guzzle heart medication while Alexey Shved re-enacted Anna Karenina on the court. This was the only time in my life I wished I drank more. Love winning it all with the Cleveland Cavaliers definitely brought emotional spice, but ultimately did not cause too much distress. 2016 was a LeBron title and Love was just a role player learning how to fit out. (Love did play great defense on Curry during a critical fourth quarter possession in Game 7 of the 2016 finals. I was proud of him.)
Jalapeno Pepper – Karl Anthony Towns
KAT was an oasis. By the time he came to the Wolves in the 2015 draft, I resembled an unraveled mummy. Drained of hope by years of futility. But KAT was different from Wiggins and Anthony Bennett and Michael Olowokandi and all the former number one picks who’d disappointed in a Wolves uniform. I loved his furious (if offensive-foul prone) dunks and sweet three-point release. By the 2020s, the team was finally good enough to make the playoffs and the enigma of KAT fully emerged.
When he was great, he was capital “G” Great (he out-dueled prime Nikola Jokić!), but when he got sloppy…my god. The bone-headed fouls at the worst time. The early in the shot clock threes. With each foolish mistake, I found myself muttering “Karl” under my breath in a full on walrus voice like Tom Thibodeau after three milkshakes.
When we traded Towns to the Knicks, I got depressed because it felt like the trade was more about saving money than building a better team. Maybe, I thought, a new city would finally unlock KAT’s true potential. Nope. He was basically the same player on the Knicks as on the Wolves. Fully capable of going blow for blow with Victor Wembanyama one game, and then fouling out early multiple games in a row with the title on the line. Jalen Brunson brought it home, but I didn’t feel cheated out of a banner. It was, as stated, a satisfying yet tumultuous bite of a bánh mì sandwich with one too many jalapenos.
Serrano Pepper – Lakers move to Los Angeles
My favorite lake in Los Angeles is the fetid tank of pure hubris Lakers fans swim in everyday when they celebrate their “seventeen NBA titles.” Excuse me??? I believe at least five of those were won in Minneapolis (Yay!) when the league was… openly segregated (Yikes). Okay, probably best not to get too upset over this. The major bummer about this one is that the Lakers uniforms and Vikings uniforms look great together.
Ultimately, can’t give this one a high spice-pain level because eventually Minnesotans got a new team and a chance to root for Malik Beasley. Who’s the real winner now Hollywood?
Cayenne Pepper – Sam Darnold
Sam seemed nice and all. Played hard. Great attitude. Aired it out to Justin Jefferson. But his torrid love affair with turnovers was a crippling vice in Minnesota. This one only burns because it shows how the Vikes can’t catch a break. Somehow Darnold led the league in interceptions with the Seattle Seahawks and won the Super Bowl anyway. The Vikings would have found a way to turn those I-N-Ts into T-E-A-Rs. This one scalds the tongue–in the immortal words of Bruno Mars “so hot, makes a dragon wanna retire, man.”
Habanero Pepper –Kevin Garnett
Ouch! Ouch! Too hot! The only thing more intense than my sadness at the KG trade was the Big Ticket’s general demeanor every day of his life. But still, I watched his ‘08 Boston Celtics team with extreme passion and partisanship. Garnett was my guy, even if he rocked shamrocks. Seeing him win the title was an exquisite high-spice meal–so much joy, so much pain.
I’m not crying, its just the habanero heat I swear.
Ghost Pepper – AJ Pierzynski
Why does this one sting so bad? For some reason, it irks me more to have a “you-love-it-when-hes-on-your-team” guy win it all with a division rival than to see a former hometown superstar reach their destiny elsewhere. Imagine how a Golden State Warriors fan would feel if Draymond won a chip with the Lakers.
Also. Look at this guy’s face…man, he had to win it with the White Sox? Boooooo!
Carolina Reaper – Chauncey Billups
As someone who bought Troy Hudson’s rap album, I have major regrets. Mr. Big Shot was a perfect floor general for KG, instilling a strong defensive identity at the point of attack and flashing a knack for timely threes. His stats don’t look too gaudy now (around 12 points and five assists per game in ‘02), but this was during the slugfest era of the NBA when a final score of 88-82 was a common occurrence.
The Wolves let Billups leave in free agency for nothing, dooming the team to chase a trustworthy guard for KG for the rest of his tenure (Marko Jarić, T-Hud, Randy Foye, Rashad McCants…I would go on but my keyboard is too slick with tears.) Like the fearsome Carolina Reaper, this one really hurts. Honestly, I’d only relive this experience/taste the terror flames again if I needed to promote an upcoming film project to the audience of Hot Ones.
Pepper X – David Ortiz
The Minnesota Twins discarded a franchise messiah because he hit too many home runs. I will never get over this. Seriously, who looks at a man of Ortiz’s generous girth and thinks “that guy should bunt more.” To pour a gallon of gourmet Icelandic sea salt in the wound, Ortiz slayed the Yankees for another city’s cursed franchise while the Twins lost six straight playoff series to the Bronx Bombers. It burns! Why would a just God make such a pepper???
Chernobyl – Nazereon Hilton Ried
If Naz wins it all with the Charlotte Hornets, the resulting cloud of toxic emotions will plume across oceans for decades.
So stay strong Wolves fans! You’ve been tempered by steel and at least we’ve got the ring-laden Lynx in our city. Pile on the Tabasco and share your most mourned Minnesotan players in the comments.
